Springbok selections see the Stormers the real winners

The weekend selection of the Winter Tours Springboks side against England has left new coach Heyneke Meyer already on the back foot with some fans seeking answers to some of the less fancied selections to don the green and gold.

Meyer has all but been drawn and quartered in some outlets before the side to take on England, mostly over his exclusion of Springbok flanker Heinrich Brussow and Stormers stars Gio Aplon and Siya Kolisi, but whether it’s through design or default, the men from the Western Cape are the ones in the box seat, set to be the real beneficiaries.

With a Boks side that should win the series against the English on home soil, Meyer’s selection of nine uncapped players into the squad - Marcell Coetzee, JJ Engelbrecht, Eben Etzebeth, Elton Jantjies, Juandré Kruger, Coenie Oosthuizen, Jacques Potgieter, Franco van der Merwe and Jano Vermaak - gives the South Africans an opportunity to blood up a new crop of players whilst retaining experience at test rugby level, a criticism which was levelled at former coach Pieter de Villiers time and time again.

With the South African conference of the Super 15 looking like it will come right down to the wire, a break for some fresh legs after their win at Loftus Versfeld will give the Stormers the upper hand coming into their last few matches of the Super 15 season.  After the break for the Winter Tours, the Stormers have what they would consider a dream run into the finals, with  matches against the Lions at home, the Cheetahs away and the Rebels at home.  Short of an unmitigated disaster, the Cape will be leading into the finals with solid form after what one would perceive to be three wins.  The Bulls have a slightly tougher ask, in playing the Cheetahs at home, the Lions at home for the last round and propped up in the middle with the Sharks away, in what poses as the danger match for the Pretorians, given the Sharks shock loss to the Lions over the weekend and the gruelling schedule of test rugby ahead.

One would say that any advantage the Stormers can get over the Bulls is to be grabbed hold of with both hands and after their magnificent victory Saturday, the momentum is certainly with them.  Meyer’s non-selection of the Cape Town franchise players will be beneficial not only at a Super 15 level, but at test level also.

The fire in the belly will be stoked for Aplon and co to prove their worth for the Rugby Championship and with the Wallabies struggling with injuries and several key All Blacks out of form, there would be no better time for Meyer to bring in his fresh legs from the Stormers franchise teamed with Brussow back as flanker, to carve through the respective line ups from across the Indian ocean.  Brussow - world class in his own right – is a potent weapon against a Pocock and McCaw, and with the hunger he will be exhibiting after the initial non-selection, both Pocock and McCaw will need to be at their A games in an attempt to shut him down.

If selected with this vision ahead, Meyer’s training squad should be a South African dream.  Without writing off an English squad, it plays a strong role in keeping South Africa at the forefront in both the Super franchise and Rugby Championship and after a lean year of celebrations for the Bokke, South Africans will be welcoming the success with more than open arms.

Of course if it all comes crashing down in the English series, questions will be raised of Meyer’s loyalty to the Pretorian based franchise, questions which have already been raised.  But one has to admire a coach who, from the word go, is prepared to buck the system with strong and perhaps controversial ideas in an attempt to regain the titles for South Africans of both Super 15 and Rugby Championship winners.  It would be a poetic path of transition of healing for a South African public still hurt from the earlier than expected World Cup exit and an ideal way to commence their run at being genuine challengers for England 2015.

The next announcement which will be awaited with bated breath will be whom Meyer chooses as the next captain of the Springboks.  In what appears to be a two horse race between Stormers Jean de Villiers and Bulls Pierre Spies, I believe that de Villiers will be the better option.  Spies, whilst holding his Springbok position and being ordained Bulls captain with the retirement of Victor Matfield last season, lacks the true consistency and reliability that de Villiers has come to display time and time again, both at provincial and test level and, whilst matched with a back’s flamboyance, would team brilliantly and strongly with veteran Bryan Habana to take the Boks back to the unofficial title of “best in the world”.

In the land of hypotheticals, if all of this eventuates, Stormers fans will be thrilled with the knowledge their province proudly holds not only the honour of Super 15 conference champions, but potential champions overall, together with the Springbok captain.  Bokke fans will also be boosted with the knowledge that their side is well and truly on the up again and will again be a dominant, if not unstoppable force, in world rugby.

As an Australian and avid Wallabies fan, if Meyer pulls this off – and I believe he will – his coaching manoeuver has demonstrated sheer genius and brilliance, and will bring the Bokke back to the days where the world trembled at the mention of their names.

As a lover of the Bokke and the South African style of rugby, that’s something that I’d personally adore.  Despite the rivalry (or more than likely, because if it), there wouldn’t be many Wallabies fans that would disagree.  In fact, secretly – most would love it.  There’s nothing we like more than a hard fought, tough, physical game of rugby and the Springboks v Wallabies matches rarely fail to deliver.

Many Australian rugby fans will be behind the Springboks in their series against the English – partially due to the loyalty to the Southern Hemisphere and partially because, well… it is England.  So from the Land Down Under, best of luck – do Southern Hemisphere rugby proud, forget the provincial argument, unite behind the green and gold and do your stuff.

The Springboks training squad as named:

Forwards

Tendai Mtawarira, Coenie Oosthuizen, Bismarck du Plessis, Chiliboy Ralepelle, Adriaan Strauss, Jannie du Plessis, Werner Kruger, Eben Etzebeth, Flip van der Merwe, Franco van der Merwe, Juandre Kruger, Marcell Coetzee, Willem Alberts, Pierre Spies, Ryan Kankowski , Keegan Daniel, Jacques Potgieter

Backs

Zane Kirchner, JP Pietersen, JJ Engelbrecht, Jean de Villiers, Wynand Olivier, Francois Steyn, Bryan Habana, Lwazi Mvovo, Bjorn Basson, Morne Steyn, Patrick Lambie, Elton Jantjies, Francois Hougaard, Jano Vermaak, Ruan Pienaar

Batfist of the Week

The sports wrap from around the globe with that little bit of spice…

Honourable Mention: Jack Wighton (Australia) (NRL)

It seems every time you pick up a paper lately (does anyone actually do that anymore?) or turn on the news, another athlete has succumbed to injury, and the boys from the NRL are far from immune.

Players dropping like flies left, right and centre on the field, and Jack Wighton being ruled out for the rest of the season after injuring his toe in a backyard trampolining accident.

Hang on – what?

Yup, you read correctly.  19 year old Canberra Raider Wighton was forced to withdraw from Friday night’s clash against the Rabbitohs after injuring his toe jumping on a trampoline and a few days later, was required to have surgery, destroying his 2012 season.

With coach David Furner understandably irritated, expect the Raiders’ contracts to start bearing the exclusions of trampolining, trapezing, back yard cricket, mowing the lawn, housework…

Honourable Mention: the un-named Kenyan match-fixer (Kenya) (cricket)

It’s not often that I have the chance to give a batfist nomination to an un-named participant, but this one just had to make the list.

During the week, the ICC and Kenyan match officials announced that one of their players, so far “un-named” was under investigation for match fixing at the 2011 World Cup after Pakistan destroyed the African nation in a pool match.

This raises a few points which need to be quashed:

1.  The notion that only the sub-continent may be accused of match fixing is wrong; and

2.  IF HE FIXED THE MATCH TO LOSE, DID HE GENUINELY THINK THAT KENYA WERE A CHANCE OF WINNING?

Forget investigating the man for match fixing.  Investigate the man for signs of intelligence.

Honestly.

Third place: Michael Schumacher (Germany) (Motorsport – Formula One)

If nothing else, this year’s Formula One season has been the most hotly contested in years and the weekend’s Grand Prix from Monaco continually delivers on promises of action.

One of the most recognised facts surrounding the Monaco leg of Formula One is how difficult passing is on the track – hence how valuable pole position is.  In fact, Monaco is one of the rare grand prix tracks where pole position almost – excluding disaster of course – give you automatic victory.

Armed with this knowledge, you can imagine the delight of Mercedes fans around the globe when Michael Schumacher qualified fastest around the Monte Carlo track.

Unfortunately, their delight was short lived, as Schumacher received a five place grid penalty after his dust-up with Bruno Senna at the previous Spanish Grand Prix.

As a result, Mark Webber was elevated to pole – and guess who won the race?

Just goes to show – even for ex-world champions, easy come, easy go.

Second Place: CJ van der Linde (South Africa) (Super Rugby)

If you follow Super Rugby and aren’t aware that the Lions have had a season to forget, you’re either in denial or an idiot.  Injuries, financial woes, poor form and doubts about their viability in the competition next season have all made 2012 a year to forget.  Lions faithful fans must have been asking themselves – can it get any worse?

YES. IT COULD.

Playing against the Western Force in what was touted as possibly one of their only winnable games of the year, Lions prop CJ van der Linde was involved in an incident that left several people rubbing their eyes in disbelief; after being on the receiving end of a tackle, van der Linde proceeded to chomp down on the arm of Toby Lynn at the back of a ruck when both players were involved in what appeared to be a heated clean out.

Viewers were shown repeated images of van der Linde with his mouth apparently clamping down on Lynn’s forearm quite explicitly, and with not a lot of room for refuting, the prop was cited by the SANZAR commission for contravening the spirit of the game.

Who knows what popped into van der Linde’s head. Maybe he heard the prices of food in Perth? Maybe didn’t appreciate having the inability to breathe?

Or maybe, just maybe, CJ van der Linde wanted to see if Aussie meat in HIS mouth tastes as good as South African meat in MY mouth.

Mmmm… biltong….

Winner – Batfist of the Week – Canberra United (Australia) (Football – W League)

It’s not often that one gets to highlight the disparity of female sports in this country as blatantly as this, but to the Canberra United board, I thank you for making my job significantly easier this week.

Dual international player Ellyse Perry – a national player for the Southern Stars (the Australian female cricket team) and player for national womens league football side Canberra United, was issued an ultimatum by her club earlier this week – quit cricket and commit full time to United.

Understandably, Perry (one of the nation’s most promising cricketers) has chosen to look at other avenues for her football career starting next season.

In a day and age where womens sport globally receives limited media coverage, limited sponsorships and limited wages for professional players, issuing said ultimatum appears to have backfired significantly on Canberra United, as Perry fans come out of the woodwork to support her decision to continue playing cricket and find a supportive football club.

For the record, the Southern Stars have no issue with Perry playing football and indeed, appear to be backing her 100% to continue participating in both sports at an elite level.

9% – that’s the amount of funds available for sport in this country that actually gets allocated to female participation – and the girls are expected to meet their own costs of touring through fundraising and personal means.  Yet we have one girl so immensely talented to participate at the highest level in two disciplines and we force her to pick one.

Yep.  The brains in Canberra are yet again working well.

Congratulations Canberra United – you are this week’s winner of Batfist of the Week.

Batfist of the Week

Well, what a week it has been, with even a bigger week to come – the Monaco Grand Prix which always delivers, a huge Saturday of Super Rugby, Olympic qualifiers around the world… an endless amount of fodder for future batfist nominations.

But, onward and upward with this weeks:

Honourable Mention:  Leroy Jetta (Australia) (AFL – Aussie Rules)

It’s been promised for such a long time.  The AFL, in 2009, made a conscious decision to crack down on the staging for free kicks yet to date, nothing had been done about it.  Cue the Dreamtime Match at the MCG, between Richmond and Essendon.

After getting Richmond supporters off-side for a potential “hands in the back” in the forward line, Essendon goal-sneak Leroy Jetta ran away to slot one through the big sticks and turned to goad the Tigers backline.  After copping a slight retaliatory bump, Jetta flung himself to the ground like he’d been either shot or participating in a game of football.

But FINALLY the AFL delivered on their crackdown.  Jetta was cited and subsequently reprimanded and fined.

Did he stage it?  Judge for yourself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXBkGr84sPc

Why the hell they can’t bring THAT rule into the world game and enforce it, I shall never know, but then again, it would probably end the career of Didier Drogba and the entire Italian football side for starters.

Honourable Mention: hooligans surrounding Giovanni Moreno (Argentina) (Football)

Everyone has workplace hazards.  Some people have to deal with electrical cabling.  Some people lift heavy things.  Some people have to deal with accidents and the injuries of others.

Others – like Argentinian football Giovanni Moreno – have to deal with threats of “win or we’ll blow your leg off” by crazed fans.

Moreno’s struggling team, Racing Club, will be busting to ensure their team wins more consistently, after Tuesday saw their midfielder held down by thugs, a pistol held to his leg and told in no uncertain terms that his leg was an optional extra should his football not pick up on the field.

You have to feel for a guy that now travels to and from every game with a police escort, has his family under surveillance and will be hoping and praying like mad that Racing Club come through with the goods for their next encounter.

Passion.  Nothing like the South Americans to take things to an ENTIRELY new level.

Third Place:  Los Angeles Lakers (America) (Basketball – NBA)

Hahahaha! The LA Lakers, for so long the competition standouts with class players Kobe Bryan, Paul Gasol and Metta World Peace, were confident they were going to give this years championship a red hot crack, after a disappointing end to last season.

Playing their semi final series against Oklahoma City Thunder, the Lakers were amped - but in this day and age, being amped is not enough…

The Thunder were merciless in their destruction of the Lakers, needing just five games of the best of seven series to knock out the boys from LA, giving the team a few extra weeks before the Olympics camp to figure out what the hell went wrong.

Oh, and a note to the Lakers – when Magic Johnson rues the destruction of the less than powerful West Coast force – you know you stuffed up royally.

Second Place: Russian Olympic team officials (Russia)

From the land of vodka, I bring you – the Russian alcohol team ban!

Yes, you read correctly.  In the lead up to the Olympics in London (just two months to go, people!) the Russian Olympic Committee passed a ruling that athletes would not be allowed to partake in activities involving alcohol, as “Olympic values are not compatible with alcohol”.

The banning comes as a result of the disastrous Winter Olympic campaign in 2010, which saw Russia return with just 14 medals, after heading into the games looking for a predicted 50.

God save Durex if they realise what ELSE goes on in the Olympic Village….

Winner – Batfist of the Week – NSW decision to hold State of Origin in Melbourne (Australia) (NRL)

For the first time, an entire event actually wins the coveted Batfist award, mainly due to the fact that there were so many ridiculous incidents that 

The yearly State of Origin series between New South Wales and Queensland is always a hotly contested, much rivalled contest every year, and Game One of the 2012 didn’t fail to deliver.  However, Melbourne – hosts of Origin I – either demonstrated their ignorance or performed quite possibly the best trolling job on New South Wales in history.

The tourists were ploughing into Melbourne at a rate of knots, and when Victorian Sports Minister Hugh Delahunty gave a rousing speech regarding the match between Queensland and New Zealand.  The New Zealand team, to be led by Paul Cullen, was going to have a red hot go.

Fast forward to game day where one opens the Melbourne Age to find the headline “The Game Breaker – why David Carney may be the man to end Queensland’s State of Origin dominance.”

To the uninitiated or overseas readers, this may all seem okay, bar the following:

1.  State of Origin is played between Queensland and New South Wales (despite New Zealand being referred to as a state of Australia, the last time I checked, it actualy wasn’t);

2.  The New South Wales Blues are led by Paul Gallen, not Paul Cullen;

3.  David Carney is actually Todd Carney; and

4.  New South Wales were never going to win anyway.

Delta Goodrem’s pre-match entertainment wearing tin foil pants that reflected the light of a thousand suns was topped only by the poor Orphan Annie girl who missed verses of the national anthem as a result of poor acoustics and the half time rev-up for Channel Nine to cross-promote their upcoming Kerry Packer epic and have the crowd sing “Come On Aussie” which failed miserably (the last time I checked, the words to “Come On Aussie” did not include “get off the f***ing pitch, you w*nker!”).

The match itself did not disappoint those looking for a bit of biff… and again, New South Wales lost THAT as well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQ5-N7Enp2g

Given the match was actually a scheduled NSW home match, with Blues supporters outnumbered 3-1 by the Maroons, being shamed by Victorians (whether deliberately or accidentally) in public and losing both the biff AND the match, congratulations.  You are this week’s winners of Batfist of the Week.

 

 

What the world really needs is another top 10…

Everyone loves a top 10 of anything.  They offer so much chance for debate, an opportunity to reminisce and often for some, a chance to learn something they’ve missed in the past. But top 10s get done to death.  How to spice one up a little?

So, here we have it. A weekly top 10 of things out of the box.  A top 10 that is a little different to those you may find regularly.  A top 10 that brings you the weird, the whacked, the warped and most importantly, the “WTF” that you may miss out on with standard sports reporting.

The best part?  Contributions, as always, are welcome.  If you have a topic you want covered, if you have comments on the finalised list, go for it.  After all, that’s what freedom of speech and feedback is all about, right?

So. To kick things off, keep your eyes out for this week’s coming Top 10.

The topic: Top 10 streakers in sport…

Batfist of the Week

Thank you, gods of sport, for making this such an entertaining week.  The most difficult part of compiling this week’s awards was deciding what to leave out. Glorious.

But moving right along…

Honourable Mention:  Mark Webber (Australia) (Motorsport – Formula One)

In what has been one of the most open and evenly matched Formula One seasons in years, the first five grand prix races have seen five different drivers from five different teams claim victory.  Many have been delighted with the results from Australia, Malaysia, China, Bahrain and Spain – but not Mark Webber.

After failing to get in the points at Catalonia, Webber’s comments when queried about the closeness of the series were “I don’t know if they will get sick of seeing so many different winners; it’s nice to have different winners but also we want rivals.”

Because, you know – competition in sport is a bad thing and people prefer an out and out leader.

For a man that last season played second string to team mate Sebastian Vettel and is more consistent with his failures than his successes, one would think that he would be supportive of having so many different winners – with his current success rate, it might be the ONLY way he gets on the podium any time soon.

Honourable Mention: the entire IPL (India) (cricket)

This cricket news came with great shock, completely out of the blue, leaving people around the globe speechless.  Was it that Chris Gayle was actually going to play for Australia?  Was Don Bradman’s average restored to 100 after finding mis-calculations?  Did Sachin Tendulkar actually make his 100th century last year against QUALITY opposition?

No.

THE IPL HAS HAD GAMES FIXED.

Careful, now.  I know this may come as a complete shock to you, given the subcontinent’s history with match fixing allegations.  But it came to light that five players – Shalabh Srivastava, T P Sudhindra, Mohnish Mishra, Amit Yadav and Abhinav Bali – were all caught in a local television sting and handed provisional suspensions pending further investigation by the BCCI.

Sudhindra was allegedly caught allegedly agreeing to allegedly bowl alleged no-balls for an alleged price.  Allegedly.

This raises two points:

1.  Mitchell Johnson and Brett Lee had better be careful if the bowling of no-balls constitutes in the fixing of a match; and

2.  I thought the Indians were AGAINST television reviews?

Third place: Canterbury Crusaders (New Zealand) (Super Rugby) 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Ahhh. Saturday night. Priceless.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The first ever match for points between the Melbourne Rebels and Canterbury Crusaders was held at AAMI Park and saw the babies of the league take on the mighty, perennial leaders of the competition.  It was Australia v New Zealand – and with Richie McCaw and Dan Carter both back for the Crusaders, surrounded by 11 All Blacks (yes, 11!) the general consensus was that the Rebels were going to be belted beyond redemption and probably into the vicinity of the year 2019.

Unfortunately for the Saders, no one told the Rebels that.

Backed by an 18,000+ strong crowd, the home town kept the boys in red scoreless in the second half, and charged on to record a magnificent 28-19 victory; with Nick Phipps scoring a double, Stirling Mortlock emulating his first try for his club and the Kiwis sent back to New Zealand with their tails between their legs.

Three things:

1.  If that isn’t a sign that the Rebels aren’t the deadbeats everyone assumed they’d be, I don’t know what is;

2.  Kurtley Beale at 10 is a phenomenal freak and should be named there for the Wallabies; and

3.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Second Place: Carlos Tevez (England) (EPL)

Yes, we all know Manchester City won the EPL title.  Yes, we know they broke the hearts of United supporters globally (hahahahaha!).  But as far as I was aware, they didn’t actually cause the death of Sir Alex Ferguson – did they?

Yep, in the post match celebrations which saw City score two – yes, TWO – goals in injury time to not only win the match but the title in the English Premier League, the Argentinian Man City striker Carlos Tevez - bless his stupidity – paraded around with a sign of a mocked up tombstone bearing the inscription “RIP Fergy”.

Despite Manchester City officials issuing an apology for the joke, Tevez is standing solid and not apologising.  His reasoning?

“It seems that Ferguson is the president of England. Because each time that he speaks badly of a player or talks nonsense about me no one comes out to say that he has to apologise.”

Maybe in Argentina, they don’t teach the maxim “two wrongs don’t make a right”. Or maybe he’s just a moron.

Winner – Batfist of the Week – Anthony Mundine (Australia) (Boxing)

If there was ever a poll taken for one of the most un-popular athletes of all time, Anthony Mundine would rate fairly highly.  The rugby league player-turned-boxer, renowned for having a rather over-healthy opinion of himself, (don’t forget this is the man that proclaimed “I believe I’m the best athlete of all time”) was stripped of his WBA super-welterweight title after refusing an order to participate in a mandatory fight against Austin Trout.

Mundine, who became the mandatory challenger after defeating Rigoberto Alvarez in late 2011, refused to show, claiming Trout was a “no-name”, a “desperate dude” wanting to “make money off the Mundine name” and that he was spending his time devoting himself to taking on the big three in Manny Pacquiao, Miguel Cotto and the undefeated champion, Floyd Mayweather.

Well, let’s throw a couple of extra bits of information into the ring for you, Anthony:

1.  I believe that Pacquiao, Cotto and Mayweather generally don’t fight no-names themselves (you have no chance);

2.  You may consider Trout a no-name desperate dude, but don’t forget you also took on a reality television show winner in Garth Wood;

3.  YOU LOST SAID FIGHT TO GARTH WOOD;

4.  You have been a part of some of the greatest moments in Australian sporting history.  Here’s two of the clips:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4aqe_UXFT54&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r97Qq8s119s

Ignorance.  Arrogance.  W*nkerdom.  For personifying absolutely everything that this award stands for and more – congratulations, Anthony Mundine.  You are this week’s winner of the Batfist of the Week.

Batfist of the Week

Yet another week filled with the highs, lows and insanity that is world sport.  Let’s see what this week brought us:

Honourable Mention: Savannah McMillan-Christmas (USA) (Basketball)

Yes, you’re right.  Prior to writing this article, I had no idea to whom I was referring either.  But Savannah McMillan-Christmas (only the Americans could pull off a name like that, I swear it) got her fifteen minutes of fame during the NBA playoffs match between the Denver Nuggets and LA Lakers last Monday night.

How? Was she one of those “I hit a shot at half time from half court” people? Did she win a major fundraising event?  Was she credited as the inspiration for the Lakers 92-88 victory?

Nah, nothing that simple.  She just wandered out onto the court.

With Nuggets guard Ty Lawson dribbling the ball late in the second quarter, the players, administrators, commentary team and the crowd were stunned when McMillan-Christmas strolled out of her seat and onto the court, after screaming at the Nuggets bench immediately prior.

The fact that McMillan-Christmas had previously been banned from the stadium for stalking a number of Nuggets players in the past didn’t seem to faze security and door personnel in Denver, but you can rest assured they will be keeping a closer eye on the kinds that they let in the door from now on.

No one was hurt – except for the pride of security – but McMillan-Christmas should have a while to think about it – she’s been banned from NBA games (again) and her court appearance would surely take a repeat offender into account.

That said, it is America – Land of the Free.  On a side note, has anyone seen OJ lately?

Honourable Mention: David Wojcinski (Australia) (Australian Rules Football)

Premiership player David Wojcinski was playing in the VFL (what is now effectively the reserves for AFL) against Casey Scorpions, on his way back from a foot injury.  The game was physical from Wojcinski’s point of view – and it was a match that Melbourne draftee in waiting Jack Viney would probably prefer to forget.

With so much discussion about high bumps in AFL, players have openly discussed their hesitation in going in with their bodies for fear of repercussions against head high contact.  If only Wojcinski had that consideration before his high bump on Viney.

Having already been cited for striking Viney in a separate incident, Wojcinski plundered into Viney’s head with such a force, the 18 year old was left with a broken jaw and requiring surgery to insert two steel plates into his cheekbone.

Poor Wojcinski.  Such a loyal servant to the Cats, and due to anomalies with the AFL/VFL fixture, is unable to play his 200th match until mid June.

Yes. Forgive me. I am yet to determine which one I feel sorry for – the guy missing his 200th AFL match through his own actions, or the guy forced to eat soup through a straw for a month.

Third Place: Guillermo Mota (USA) (Baseball)

Drugs in sport is never a topic that I like to read about – it denigrates the sport, casts suspicion amongst athletes and ultimately, winds up making said sport a fiasco.  But at least those with a second chance learn, right?

San Francisco Giants pitcher Guillermo Mota had previously made one of those decisions that you think he’d ultimately regret – taking performance enhancing drugs six years ago, where he was suspended for 50 matches.  But he was a reformed man; surely, after being given another crack at the cherry, Mota would be out showing the community the evils of drugs, the  chaos that they bring to your life, the ultimate destruction of the lives of those around you.  Yes?

No.

In what can only be described as ultimate disappointment for the Giants, Mota again tested positive to performance enhancing drugs – this time, clenbuterol.  For the uninitiated, clenbuterol is used as a decongestant for asthma sufferers to make breathing easier.  It is also used to assist in weight loss or, notably in this case, to increase aerobic capacity, increasing blood pressure and oxygen transportation throughout the body, therefore increasing the body’s metabolism rate.

Think you’ve never heard of it before?  Well, think again - clenbuterol was the drug of choice in disgraced cyclist Alberto Contador, causing him to be stripped of his Tour de France victory over Andy Schleck in 2010.

And Mota’s penalty?  Suspension for 100 games.  If he doesn’t learn this time, he never will.

Second Place: Mitchell Starc (Australia) (Cricket)

He was unlucky not to win the major award this week, which given the week he has had, would probably be the only thing Starc would be winning.

Starc was set to make his debut for county cricket club, Yorkshire, after completing his tour of the West Indies.  The left arm quick was pumped to arrive in England, keen to impress in his first match this weekend and with his girlfriend in tow, was ready to face anything the English county season was going to dish up.

Except deportation.

Yep, that’s correct.  After realising that Starc had incorrectly completed his forms, the powers that be in England had a brief word to the boy, who was quickly sent packing out of the country.  Starc had to fly half way around the world, fill out a few forms correctly and jet back to the UK.  It is yet to be publicised whether the kid will have that infamous “black stamp” that the UK dish out on passports where one has been deported – here’s hoping he escapes THAT penalty.

Starc’s deal with Yorkshire was only for four Championship matches.  Better make that three.

Winner – Batfist of the Week – Emre Belozoglu (Turkey) (Football)

In a week that has had so much football news, you know that in order to win the week’s award, it must have been one of the box.  Well, out of the box this one was.

Emre, not known for being a diplomatic player, has a checkered past when it comes to racial vilification issues. During his previous tenure with English Premier League side Newcastle United, Emre was charged more than once for racist comments made towards opposition players.  But this time, he took on the wrong people.

In a match just over a month ago where Emre’s club, Fenerbahce, took on Trabzonspor, Emre was accused of calling opposition midfielder Didier Zokora a “f***ing ni**er”.  After match press conferences featured the two sides – Zokora stating how shocked and disappointed he was, Emre denying it happened – despite being caught on video.  Emre’s claim of “I didn’t call him a ni**er, I called him a pr*ck” were hardly endearing, nor necessarily truthful, as the footage showed.  Despite this, Emre was rubbed out for just three matches instead of the customary four to eight.

Of course, every game has a re-match.  Hostilities were brewing again as Zokora refused to shake Emre’s hand at the commencement of the match.  Yes – it was about to be on.

Zokora’s Trabzonspor team-mates were about to show Emre that they also do not forgive and forget – particularly those with a past history and particularly those that have insulted their team-mates.

Despite Fenerbahce winning the match 3-1 in the end, Emre had quite a lot to deal with – ranging from harsh tackles, “accidental” smacks and my personal favourite – Zokora’s own version of righting wrongs.

Given that words cannot do what happened justice, check out this clip:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=D2ehkVtR2-8

Wow.  I have no idea what that feels like.  However, on the plus, at least it may be slightly more… difficult… for Emre to spread his racism to any potential children.

So to Emre Belozoglu, for being a “f***ing pr*ck”, showing the world what is ugly in sport, reminding us all of what we DON’T want to be but most importantly, taking on the wrong football club – congratulations.  You are this weeks winner of Batfist of the Week.

Batfist of the Week

What a week it has been.  From questionable suspensions and penalties (yes, AFL Match Review Panel, I’m talking about you) to strange press conferences, the week again delivered.  Here’s the nominations:

Honourable Mention: Jeff Kellogg (USA) (Baseball)

America.  The land of promise, where hopes and dreams come true.  Where your dreams are alive for as long as you want them to be.  Where anything can happen, particularly at a sporting event. Take the Major League Baseball game between the Orioles and Oakland A’s.

When a half naked streaker invaded the pitch during the match and decided to slide face first into home plate, the home plate umpire Jeff Kellogg decided that enough was enough.  Kellogg launched into the air, tackling the streaker and bringing him down in a grab that would leave most AFL players jealous.

You missed the tackle?  See it here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Tg1MG_493E

However, despite Kellogg’s actions cutting short some idiot’s idea of fun, MLB officials are reviewing the tackle and are likely to issue disciplinary action against Kellogg.  Oddly enough, the sport does not condone their umpires being involved in physical altercations caught on camera… in prime time television broadcasts – the big boys seem to be under the impression that security are better equipped to handle that area.

It’s a shame.  There’s plenty of clubs around the world that would love to have some of their players lay a tackle like that one…

Honourable Mention: Roy Hodgson (England) (Football)

He may only have landed the England managers job a few days ago, but Hodgson has had a cracking start in filling the shoes left by Fabio Capello’s departure a handful of months ago.

Hodgson, given a four year contract (that’s right – FOUR YEARS), was a relative surprise appointment, given Harry Redknapp seemed to be a shoe in for the role.  Yet Hodgson, ever the diplomat, played in straight in his press conference, acknowledging that the role was going to be a challenge, quite confronting, and that most people were probably hating him at that moment.

Hang on – endearing yourself to the fan base not five minutes into the job?

But it continued, with Hodgson acknowledging that Redknapp had actually contacted him and left messages that he would eventually respond to.  But the line I liked the most? “I hope it hasn’t affected our friendship.”

Now, really. When one feels that his appointment in the top job was all but a given, why would anyone be upset?

An avuncular Englishman indeed.

Third Place: Queensland Reds signing of Will Genia (Australia) (Super Rugby)

This time last week, Queensland fans had all but resigned to the fact that star Wallabies scrumhalf Will Genia was departing the reigning premiers to take up residence in glorious Western Australia with the Western Force.  Although the Force hadn’t confirmed anything, the Reds got on the front foot announcing he was on his merry way.

The signing of Force coach Richard Graham to take up the Reds role next season had been announced days earlier and it appeared that Genia was finding himself settling into a position with fellow Wallaby David Pocock.

Except someone forgot to tell Genia the tale.

Cue Monday’s press conference for the Reds, where it was announced that Genia had signed on for 3 years, for significantly less money than he would have made on the West Coast.

The Force board were left shocked by the decision with Force supporters crossing fingers, toes, arms and legs that Pocock would still remain at the club given Genia’s Comaneci-like back-flip.  Reds fans, however, were delighted he was staying, and why wouldn’t they be?  Genia has been a pivotal member of the squad that saw the Super 15 title return to Australian soil and at the age of just 24, has plenty of rugby left in him.

And they say club loyalty is dead??

Second Place: Jolene Van Vugt (Canada) (Motocross)

This is probably one of the most bizarre nominations that you’ll come across, but it is well worthy of inclusion.  Nitro Circus star Van Vugt is well known for her ability to control full-size dirt bikes and is referenced in the Guiness Book of Records on several occasions – but this one takes the cake.

Not content to be one of the most respected women on the motocross circuit, Van Vugt plunged (forgive me for that one) to new levels with her new plan; to break the toilet land speed record.

Yep, you read correctly.  Van Vugt’s new target was to ride a toilet faster than it had ever been ridden before.

And ride it faster, she did.  Homebush, an appropriate setting for the riding of such a vehicle, played host to the race that stopped a nation… well, stopped a handful of people that couldn’t quite believe they were witnessing a woman riding a toilet.

But don’t think this was an easy feat. After suffering some severe mechanical problems which threatened to flush away a successful attempt, Van Vugt hit 75 kilometres per hour and shattered the porcelain record.

I’m still scratching my head.

Winner – Batfist of the Week – Albert Miller (USA) (Golf)

We all have a hobby or pursuit we participate in to relax; golf is one of the most popular ones around the globe.  There’s something so relaxing about taking a club, swinging it at a ball and smashing it as far as physically possible into a hole that you can’t quite see but have a general idea where it is, avoiding sand bunkers, the rough and ponds.  How successful you are in such a pursuit depends on your ball placement – and one would suggest 75 year old Albert Miller may be looking for a new hobby pretty quickly.

Miller was enjoying a leisurely round at Lake Ashton Golf and Country Club in Lake Wales when he sliced a ball into a water trap on the 15th hole.  Unperturbed by the mis-hit, he wandered into the pond to get his ball and continue playing.  It was then that he made a mistake – he didn’t see the alligator in the pond that lunged and grabbed hold of his leg.

Miller’s left knee was firmly lodged into the mouth of the beast and luckily his three friends hadn’t called “fore” – after a tense fight with the gator, it released Miller and decided the thrashing was over and  done with.  Whether or not this had anything to do with the reptile being smashed in the head with a driver, a 3 wood and 4 iron is anyone’s guess.

But the story ends happily.  Miller survived, requiring 40 stitches to close a wound just under a foot long, the alligator was caught (and in the process, another “neighbour” found and also captured) and Miller’s friends had one hell of a story for the 19th hole.

Gives a whole new meaning to “water traps”.

For the courage/mental blank/idiocy of walking into water in Florida without even considering the consequences, congratulations Albert Miller – you are the winner of Batfist of the Week.

Oh Danny Boy – thanks for the memories

Well, I don’t know about anyone else, but that was a Monday of Super Rugby news that I would have been happy to have delayed for a few weeks.

Monday’s sudden termination of the contract of Rebels fly half Danny Cipriani left fans reeling, particularly after a hectic morning for the Australian conference with scrum half Will Genia re-signing with the Queensland Reds (after apparently back tracking on an offer from the Western Force).  With a media release yet to formally state the reasons for the immediate departure, rumours circulated that Cipriani’s mid-season signing with Sale back home in the motherland had caused him to lose focus, combined with poor form.

Cipriani has been in the headlines for both the right and wrong reasons during his tenure with Australia’s newest super rugby franchise, but not many were expecting this.

Cipriani, a noted party-boy before he even signed on with the Rebels, had his share of off field discretions during his time in Melbourne – ranging from disciplinary action to theft of a bottle of vodka (of course, all caught on closed circuit television), but what has been forgotten is the good that the man has done for a club in its formative years.

Rugby lovers from outside of Australia would find it difficult to understand, but the Melbourne sports market is one of the most difficult to crack.  With success in so many different sports at the highest level, competition for any form of coverage and support is fierce and in a dog-eat-dog environment, any slight advantage that can be gained is grabbed firmly with two hands.  The city has AFL pumping through its’ veins; rugby league has developed a following after having a team for 14 odd years in the national competition; football has seen two sides entered into the A-League… all direct competitors with rugby union.  Rugby, a “private boys” game, or worse, a “northern states” game, was always going to have its work cut out for it.

Cue the signing of Cipriani.  News rippled around the city that this no-name side had managed to secure the services of an English up and comer with a bad-boy image, a ladies man, a larrikin – and interest was piqued.

Throughout season 2011, Cipriani’s antics, whilst not always favourable did one thing – they kept rugby union and the Melbourne Rebels in the news.  The general public were interested to see what the big deal was about and when they learned that the Rebels were competing on a world stage against the best of the best from Australia, New Zealand and South Africa, the crowds started coming.

The signings of Kurtley Beale and James O’Connor, when combined with Cipriani, have given fans an opportunity to see some of the most promising and flamboyant backs in the game play together in their own back yard.  Through the Rebels outreach program, Cipriani has done amazing things with school kids, charities and surrounding communities, a fact which is often lost in the day to day reporting.  Many have benefited from his knowledge and geniality, his enthusiasm and his love for the game.

It’s for these reasons that the Melbourne Rebels will genuinely miss Cipriani from their lineups.  Kids will miss him from the squad and, relevantly, the Melbourne public will miss him from their town.  Crowds will even miss the Dougie (although I have to say, I’m at a loss to explain that one).

So, Danny, thanks for your work with the Rebels and most importantly, thanks for your work in ensuring that rugby has a healthy following in Melbourne.  In typical jest, we bid you farewell with this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCbuRA_D3KU

Batfist of the Week

You have to hand it to the World Game.  Football, soccer,  diving, whatever you want to call it (already priming myself for the abuse on that one) this week could have brought about an entire year’s worth of awards itself.  Given I try to spread the nominations across a variety of sports though, sadly, this was not possible.  That said, a special thank you to both the EPL and Champions League for providing me with much entertainment , not to mention Italian referee Daniele Doveri who managed to dislocate his shoulder awarding a free-kick in a match – that will teach him!! But, onwards and upwards.

This weeks nominations are as follows:

Honourable Mention: Match Review Committee (Australia) (AFL)

 It has to be said.  The match review committee this week had a shocker and despite being a supporter of the concept, consistency is the key.

Yes, the theory behind a Match Review Committee is great; but the theory behind communism also works.  It’s the implementation and practice that tends to stuff it up.

This week saw both Lindsay Thomas and Steven Johnson ultimately cleared of suspensions that they should never have received in the first place.  Justice prevailed in the end, but it’s now one hell of a fight to get it.

Thomas faced a charge of rough conduct after accidentally breaking the leg of Sydney’s Gary Rohan on Sunday.  The footage was graphic, the break pretty horrific – but Thomas had his actions vindicated after opting to contest the charge and risk a three week suspension at the tribunal.

Johnson was in a similar boat.  Facing a two week suspension after being charged with rough conduct against Richmond’s Chris Newman, Johnson contested the charge and was also ultimately cleared and allowed to play.

Without stating an agreement or disagreement to the ultimate results, the fact that the tribunal and the Match Review Committee have such differing opinions of not only guilt but appropriate punishments should leave a few at AFL House exchanging worried glances…

Honourable Mention: Team McLaren (Formula One)

 Boys, boys, boys.  If there is one thing we should have learned from the Chinese Grand Prix last week, it’s that wheels are an integral part of a car, particularly one that travels at speeds of over 300 kilometres per hour.  But apparently, no.

With the Bahrain Grand Prix in full swing despite political upheaval, Jenson Button and Lewis Hamilton both fell victims to their own pit crews throughout the race.  Ridiculous lag times in tyre changes, loose wheel nuts, steering problems, engine problems… McLaren went from being strong contenders in the race to struggling to finish in the points.

Okay guys. Who killed a Chinaman? (Even slightly appropriate considering last week’s Shanghai trip). 

Third Place: Metta World Peace (USA) (Basketball)

 As much as I want to give him an award based purely on his choice of name, Metta World Peace is a worthy nomination for his antics in the Lakers v Oklahoma City NBA game earlier this week.

When you jam a dunk in any game, it’s natural to be excited, to be pumped up, to be ready to roll.  What’s not natural is to turn around and elbow an opponent to the head and send him to the floor.

In what can only be described as a disgrace to the game, “World Peace” (ironic, hey) raised his elbow and hit Thunder forward James Harden with such force, Harden was flung to the floor.  Initially unable to move, Harden was taken to the dressing rooms, but not before both teams scuffled and had a dust up on the floor.

As for MWP’s explanation?

“During that play I just dunked on Durant and Ibaka and I got really emotional and excited and it was unfortunate that James had to get hit with an unintentional elbow.”

Get out of the game, thug.

Second Place: A-League Grand Final and Marston Medal fiasco (Australia) (Football)

Whomever said “No publicity is bad publicity” clearly hasn’t worked in the media department of the Hyundai A League in the season 2011-2012.  In a year that saw the Gold Coast Titans fold and the Newcastle Jets owner hand back his license to FFA, the A-League needed a strong finish to the season to be able to at least attempt to hold their head high.

In a closely fought grand final between Brisbane Roar and Perth Glory, not much went according to plan.  The game was decided by a penalty kick which had some fans up in arms – and gave Brisbane Roar back to back titles.  But the real balls up was yet to come.

Public speaking can catch out anyone.  A microphone, a crowd, the thrill of a grand final – all can contribute nastily to a scene that isn’t perfect.  So spare a thought for Simon Hill, the master of ceremonies, who announced the Marston Medal winner for best on ground was Roar attacker, Thomas Brioch.

Fans immediately took to social networks declaring it was a fix, a balls up, a joke – and what do you know, it was.

Hill had mistaken the name Jacob Burns from the Glory for Thomas Brioch.  The award was taken off Brioch and given to Burns in a media conference about an hour later.

Well, I don’t know about anyone else – but I was saying Boo-urns. (Obscure reference to The Simpsons.)

Winner – Batfist of the Week – Mitch Starc (Australia) (cricket)

You have to hand it to the Australian cricket side – in the last twelve or so months, they appear to have come up with a novel, internal game of “who can get out in the most amusing way”.  Well, Mitch Starc – take a bow.

During the third test from Dominica, on a day where the Aussies were trying to gain the ascendency, the tail was wagging quite happily.  So happily, in fact, that the bowlers were showing the batsmen how to hit – bouncers, full tosses, sixes and boundaries.  Or so Starc thought.

After slogging yet another delivery to the boundary, Starc set off on a slow trot – after all, when one hits a boundary, one isn’t required to run, is one?  But wait, what was that?

IT DIDN’T MAKE THE BOUNDARY.

Starc, ever so complacent,  was seemingly unaware of the fact that the ball was being sent back to the keeper who, in a rather lackadaisical fashion himself, took off the bails.  Starc continued to saunder down the pitch and it wasn’t until the third umpire was called in that it was determined that Starc was in fact run out.

You haven’t seen the vision?  Try here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gXcZr007eg

Ahh, Mitch.  For reminding us all that anyone can run between wickets, but only some can stroll (a la Arjuna Ranatunga) congratulations – you are this week’s winner of Batfist of the Week.

Batfist of the Week

Yet again, the week’s nominations have left me scratching my head… but without further delay, I bring you the following:

Honourable Mention: Emmauel Mutai (Kenya) (Athletics)

One of Kenya’s finest, Emmanuel Mutai was in training for the marathon at the London 2012 Olympic Games.  Given the past performances of African nations in the marathon on a world stage, his ambition was clear – win.  But his preparations weren’t quite going to plan.

Mutai was finding himself tiring much earlier than usual, and after feeling fatigued in much of his lead-ins, decided to head to the doctor to get himself checked out.  The problem?

He had contracted typhoid fever.

However, given the Olympics are less than four months away, Mutai knew he had a conundrum.  Doctors orders are typically to rest.  Mutai has figured out his own recovery program: to defend his London marathon title in three weeks and train like a bull in a china shop.

All I know is, if an African can win the marathon suffering typhoid fever, everyone else may as well just give up now.

Honourable Mention: Delonte West (USA) (Basketball – NBA)

Well, you have to hand it to Delonte West, guard for the Dallas Mavericks.  He certainly has a different method of trying to put opponents off their game.  In the Mavs game against Utah Jazz on Tuesday from Salt Lake City, West was trying to get into the head of his opposition – literally.

After being called for a foul on Jazz guard Gordon Hayward, West did what any normal pro-basketball player would do.  What’s that, you ask? Exchange words? Walk away? Get dragged by his coach?

Nope.  West decided that the most appropriate thing to do next was to give his opponent a wet willie.

(For those that don’t know what a wet willie is, it’s where you stick your finger in the ear of someone after sucking it in your mouth.)

Understandably, Hayward was slightly affronted with having his opponent stick a wet finger in his ear.  Although match officials missed the incident itself, the crowd ensured that West’s actions were reviewed getting him benched.

And West’s explanation? “I was giving him a wet willie, that’s all.  He had some lint in his hair.”  Ummmmm…. right.

Third Place: Team Mercedes (Motorsport – Formula One)

It seems ridiculous to be handing a nomination to a constructor that just won their first Grand Prix since Noah was a boy in China over the weekend (okay, so maybe that is a slight exaggeration – but Mercedes last won a Grand Prix some 57 years ago), but you have to say, if anyone deserved it this week, Team Mercedes did.

Picture this: the Chinese Grand Prix from Shanghai.  A constructor breaks the strong hold of Red Bull Racing and McLaren on the front row of a grid.  Not only do Mercedes grab pole position with driver Nico Rosberg, they have a front row lock-out, with Michael Schumacher moving up the grid to second after a penalty to Lewis Hamilton demotes him through the field.  A cracking start sees Rosberg accelerate away from the field early and put daylight between him and his team mate, who does everything right by the team and acts as a road-block to protect the front-runner from any swoopers back in the field.

Cue the pit stop for Schumacher. All goes well, until his right rear tyre is taken off, new tyres are put on and… THEY FORGET TO TIGHTEN HIS WHEEL NUT.

Yes, that’s right.  A regulation pit stop and in the excitement of seeing their team leading the Grand Prix, the poor pit crew let Schumacher’s car go a little too early.

Schumacher wound up running his car off the road on the 13th lap, and the quinella dream for Mercedes was over.

Who would have known that a nut holding a tyre onto a car was THAT vital in a car race?

Second Place: Teo Gutierrez (Argentina) (Football)

Whether you love or hate soccer, football, whatever you want to call it, there’s no denying that it’s a game of passion.  Ask the team-mates of striker Teo Gutierrez.

Gutierrez was sent off in his Racing Club’s side 4-1 loss over the weekend, a loss which ultimately had the coach fired, but Gutierrez made sure he wasn’t going to be anyone’s scapegoat.

When team-mates surrounded him in the rooms after the match, Gutierrez decided he wasn’t going to take things lying down.  He was going to stand up for himself.  He was going to show them who was boss.  He was going to pull out a paintball gun and aim it at his team.

Okay. Now, his reasoning behind carrying a gun of any description into a locker room is yet to be determined, but Gutierrez really can’t question the decision to kick him off the team, right?

After Gutierrez’s pulling of the gun stunt, he is now looking for a new side.  Understandably, not too many of his team-mates are comfortable with having a hot-headed striker on their team that walks around with a gun.

Winner – Batfist of the Week – Chris Birch (Wales) (Rugby)

At the young age of 26, Chris Birch went through what no one that age should ever have to endure – he suffered a stroke.  Birch was one of the lucky ones that managed to recover, but as is often the case with stroke victims, he has had his life alter.  And how has Birch’s life altered?

He is now gay.

Yes, you read correctly.  A 120kg rugby player, with a fiance to boot, as a result of a stroke, has found his sexuality has changed and he now prefers men.

Since his stroke, Birch has changed jobs, is now a hairdresser (what? A gay guy becomes a hairdresser?), moved out of his home and is now dating guys.

What has become of his fiance is anyone’s guess.

Now forgive me for seeming a little too cynical, but this is quite possibly the most severe case of cold feet I have ever heard of.

Brings a whole new meaning to the break-up line of, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Well done, Chris.  You are officially this weeks winner of Batfist of the Week.